Triggers

parent 2aba02ee
Pipeline #752 passed with stages
in 5 minutes and 6 seconds
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layout: post
title: Trigger
date: '2018-02-12'
permalink: "/blog/2018/02/12/trigger/"
---
Cet article contient de la violence. Désolé.
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L'acte le plus anodin est une balle tirée dans le noir.
Le plus souvent, vous ne touchez personne. Quand vous touchez quelqu'un, il n'est pas
rare que la balle ricoche ou soit déviée, tant chacun avance avec prudence et
développe ses propres mécanismes de défense.
Dans le cas contraire, votre balle fait mouche. Si la victime se trouve a proximité,
vous vous en rendrez probablement compte, mais, l'éloignement aidant, vous risquez
fort de ne pas entendre son cri. Parfois, elle ne crie pas, d'ailleurs.
C'est mon cas.
Quand je suis touché, je mets entre plusieurs minutes et plusieurs heures à
m'en rendre compte. Pendant ce temps, bien sûr, le sang coule. Lorsque je prends
conscience de la blessure, crier n'a plus aucun sens aussi, je préfère économiser
mes forces et me préparer à affronter la fièvre.
La fièvre
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L'infection qui me gagne prend la forme d'un poison lent. Je perds
l'envie et la faculté d'agir, de parler.
Tout cela ne constitue pourtant qu'une étape préparatoire car dès que la fièvre
monte, tout bascule.
« Do you know how many animals you killed since you're alive?
— I don't care, leave me alone.
— Well, it's quite simple, actually. Let's do the math and focus on your
alimentation first: you ate animal products two times a day for at least 20 years.
Thats 14600 non-human animals who suffered and die because of you.
— I… I know.
— Of course, you know! You're vegan now! How well are you doing regarding clothes
and cosmetic products, by the way?
— Shut the fuck up! You are perfectly aware it's still a work in progress!
— Calm dowm, I'm sure you are doing your *best*. »
Plus tard :
« Are you still here?
— …
— Would you rather be talking about human animals?
— I don't wanna talk, at all.
— Did you know they have to put safety nets under the windows at Foxconn factories in China?
Poor workers. How's your fairphone working by the way?
— Fine.
— What are your plans for your other hardware? Laptop, servers, washing machine?
I don't mean to be rude, I just think it's a bit ridiculous that you're aware
of the issues, working in IT, and still doing pretty much nothing about it.
— What should I do? The whole thing's fucked up, all the production occurs in
Asia!
— You could stop using those, couldn't you? Sorry, it's harsh for me to suggest
that, considering programming is the only thing you're actually good at.
— I will do something else, I simply don't know what yet.
— Better think fast, people are dying down here. Have you heard those stories
about rare earth mines? »
Encore plus tard :
« I wanted to apologize. Someone told me your grand-mother and grand-father are
in the hospital?
— Th… Thanks. Yeah… They were thousands of kilometers apart. She had a stroke,
he had a heart attack. On the very same day.
— You must feel awful, come here.
— Actually, I don't feel sad, I feel… empty. Sometimes, it's like other people's
pain and death does not affect me. Sometimes, I wonder "if X died, would I feel
something?".
— Weirdo.
— I'm weird, am I? I mean, I feel some compassion for them, I want to help them,
but I'm not *sad*, just sorry. »
Encore :
« She's crying next to you.
— Yes.
— Are you that weird you like that sound?
— I can't help her right now, I'm just a mess.
— Yes, you are. »
Encore :
« What are you thinking about?
— Death.
— Relaxing isn't it? »
Encore :
« Are you still there?
— Of course! Did you missed me? Do you like me after all?
— No! I wanted to know if I got rid of you.
— You can't get rid of me. You can pretend you don't hear me
from time to time, but truth is I'll always be with you.
— Will I… hear you tomorrow?
— Curious huh? I never spoil a surprise. Good night dear. »
L'après
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Quand la fièvre retombe, je me sens extenué, aggressif, un poid mort.
La cicatrice semble saine mais je sais pertinemment que la prochaine fois
la blessure se rouvrira, comme à chaque fois.
<insérer une semaine, un mois, un an ici>
« Tout va bien ?
— Je ne sais pas trop, je me sens fatigué ce soir. Les tensions au boulot me
pèsent un peu en ce moment. Je vais me coucher tôt ce soir.
— D'accord, repose toi. »
---
« Hello dear. »
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